she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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