i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
