Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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