Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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