i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
the liver wants what the liver wants
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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