My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
