i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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