We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I see more hoeing in ur future
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