i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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