peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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