The best revenge is premature balding
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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