Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
