Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
