if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Randomize
