Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I won't apologize to a one balled man
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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