Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
