i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
