As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
