Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
