Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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