is your mom at the bar?
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you didnt know i had herpes?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
