My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
