He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
