I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
