I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
