A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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