I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
