i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
