I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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