your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
