Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
