hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
