I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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