I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
