all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
