The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
