If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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