I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
