I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
COCAINE IS GR8
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
