Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
