I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
