Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
