Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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