who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
