my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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