If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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