the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
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