ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
