I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
