...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
